Sometimes it lasts in love
by PenguinJenni
Summary: "Or what would have happened if I had never met her.  The girl of my dreams, the only girl that is ever in my dreams." An Eclare one-shot


**Very Important Author's Note:**

_**Hey guys remember me? Aha I am sorry I haven't updated any of my stories… and here I am posting a whole new story right? Well this is a one-shot that kind of came to me while listening to music today and writing has always been a great distraction along with music so yeah this story was born =P … It's a one-shot of course and seeing as everything will change Friday our whole eclare world will be dropped on our heads I wanted to write something ummm well you will see … I hope you like it. Its ok if you don't I am not the best writer. I eat commas and have run on sentences and my grammar isn't the best but I like coming up with random stories (just not actually writing them out)**_

_**UMMM yeah enjoy 3 … This one shot was of course inspired by the song Someone Like You by Adele if you havent heard it yet I recommend you do! =D **_

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><p>"<em>Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."<em>

It's been almost 7 years since I left Toronto without saying my proper goodbyes to anybody but Adam. Technically leaving him a note telling him goodbye isn't a proper goodbye either. I just wanted the young grasshopper to know that no matter where life would take me I would never forget our friendship.

For some reason though here I am tonight sitting in an empty parking lot thinking about the past… Remembering things I have tried so hard to forget over the years. But you can never forget your first true love. Did she forget about me? Was I even her first true love?

No matter how hard I try not to think about it; the last few months of high school will always haunt me. Every night as I lay in bed, right before going to sleep, I get lost in my mind. I start to think about what would've happened if I was different back then. Or what would have happened if I had never met her. The girl of my dreams, the only girl that is ever in my dreams.

I've tried so hard to get over her but I just can't. She wasn't my first girlfriend and she wasn't the first girl I slept with either. But to this day she is the only person I ever imagined a future with. She was the first person that ever made me feel like I would get better. She made me feel like I could become a better person. She actually loved me, but the person that I was back then drove her away.

I didn't mean to though. I never wanted her to leave my side. And now that I think about it, I realized that is the reason she left me. She was being suffocated by the monster in me. That's it actually, I was a monster back then. I still feel like I am that monster; an overprotective and over possessive person who suffocates everyone I care about.

I tried changing I really did. But I was stubborn back then, I didn't seek help like I should have. I let the demons inside of me take over and I became a monster. I became my own worst enemy.

How did she put up with me for so long I will never know.

Back then I didn't understand why someone I loved with all my heart would ever leave my side. But now after all these years of trying to get better mentally and physically I have come to understand why Clare Edwards broke up with me for the second and last time a few months before graduation.

I went away without saying goodbye a week after graduating from Degrassi and I haven't been back in Toronto, Canada since. I was driving away all the people that cared about me so I decided to leave the place I called home. I decided to go out and explore the world and hope to find myself on the way. I have been traveling the world and writing short stories about the places I have visited, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get over the beauty that is Clare Edwards.

Clare Edwards is the reason why I came back to Toronto. I didn't really stay in contact with anyone from Degrassi. Not even Adam who was my best friend. But I've changed over the years, I am no longer fighting the demons inside of me. I got help and I have learned to move on and learn from the past. I now know it wasn't my fault Julia died that night. I've learned that no matter how hard I try to forget about the past I wont be able to.

So I came back hoping that maybe after all these years I would be able to finally make things right with the girl I have loved since high school.

I should've known that I wouldn't be coming back to the same Toronto I left 7 years ago. I should've known that I wasn't going to be able to pick things up right where I left off. That people actually move on and continue to live their lives.

I knew deep down inside of me that those beautiful blue eyes would not be sitting at her door hoping I would come back. I came back to Toronto though in hopes of finding the girl of my dreams once again and having her in my arms as my girlfriend again.

I didn't have to look that hard to find Clare. I accidentally ran into her at the mall this afternoon. And it didn't go as expected… She looked astounding like always. She was no longer that teenage girl I remembered from a few years ago. She was a beautiful young woman, she had a bright smile on her face like she always did. I am guessing she had just gotten out of church because she was wearing a really cute floral dress with a denim jacket. She still looked like the same Clare Edwards from 7 years ago. But she was a completely different person. I don't think she recognized me at first but once she heard my voice call out her name the smile in her face faded away.

Right before spilling out my heart right in front of her and saying how I still felt about her I noticed something silver and shiny on her left ring finger. Of course I should've known that someone as amazing as Clare Edwards wouldn't be single but I didn't think she would be married either. At that moment the only thing I wanted to do was turn back and pretend I hadn't just called out her name. but it was too late. She was standing right in front of me and I had absolutely nothing to say.

I think I kind of blurted out "Hello Clare, How have you been?" at the same time as she was about to say hello. I am not so sure what I blurted out. It was along those lines that's for sure. I am not sure how long we talked for either. And not until a few minutes ago when I decided to just sit in this empty parking lot did reality actually sink in.

Clare Edwards had moved on. She was getting married in 2 weeks and she was happy with Fitz. I sort of stopped listening after she mentioned Fitz. I didn't know what else to say so I sort of blurted out again something along the lines of "It was nice running into you. I hope the best for you two but I have to go."

She was with Fitz! Clare Edwards the girl of my dreams had moved on before I even got the chance to tell her I was sorry. But what I was I expecting for her to be waiting for me with open arms after leaving unexpectedly and after being a complete jerk.

I guess he gave her what I couldn't give her, happiness. I didn't want to turn up into her life just like this but I just couldn't stay away any longer. I wanted her to know that it was never really over for me. That no matter where in the world I was she was always the last person on my mind and the only girl that was ever in my dreams. I needed her to know that I had changed. I wasn't a monster anymore or a selfish boyfriend. I just wanted another chance to make things right again.

Who would've known that this would be the outcome. That I would be sitting here in this empty parking lot at 2 in the morning contemplating all the what if's in life. I remember her mentioning that her parents had left her their old house. So I did the only thing that came to mind. I grabbed a piece of paper from the glove compartment and wrote her a letter.

_Clare,_

_After all these years you have never once left my mind. I am sorry for having hurt you and I now know where you were coming from when you broke up with me. I wish I would've come back home sooner and that once you saw me you would realize it was never over for me. But I guess I was wrong, and I was being selfish yet again for hoping you would be mine again. I will always love you Clare Edwards and I will never find someone like you but I wish nothing but the best for you and Fitz. I am glad you were able to find happiness with someone who I know will take care of you no matter. Please don't forget me and the good moments we did share. You were my best friend Clare and I have missed you greatly. I hope that maybe someday if we ever meet again we can talk like the good friends we use to be. I am sorry for hurting you I wish I hadn't but we cant change the past, we can only learn from it and move on._

_Love Always_

_-Eli_

It was really late but after writing the short letter I felt so much better. I still wasn't sure whether to just leave it in her mailbox or just pretend I hadn't seen her today. I had written so many letters I never sent but after a while of staring at this particular letter I knew this wasn't one of those.

I drove to her house around 3am and of course all the lights were all off by then. I got out of my car as quietly as I could and dropped the letter into the mailbox right outside her door. I didn't want to stand outside her door for too long or sit in my car thinking all night so I drove off as soon I left the note in her mailbox. I drove off not knowing where life was going to take me this time but it was going to be a new adventure for me. I couldn't dwell on the past any longer and I needed to learn from my mistakes and move on just like Clare had moved on.

I will always love her. She was my first true love. The girl of my dreams. But it was time for me to start a new life, possibly settle down somewhere and hope that she would always be happy even if it was without me. I took one last look at the place I use to call home and said my finally goodbye.

Never will I find someone like Clare Edwards but it was time to move on. Here is to a new beginning.

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><p><strong>Yeahhhh didn't mean to break any Eclare hearts I am totally hoping something like this does NOT happen to them on Degrassi… I mean I know they will go through their rough moments probably break up but can they just end up together in the end! PLEASE<strong>

**This was a one-shot let your imagination run wild if it must and come up with how you wish it would end I guess? LOL I finished this story pretty late and I just wanted to finish and post it so sorry for any grammatical errors =D**

**Ok well if you are reading this thnxs for reading my story I hope you enjoyed it … MAYBE I will write more soon? **_**maybe **_**well until next time BYEBYE… Follow me on twitter if you wanna talk I promise I don't bite =D**


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